Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood