People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head