“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
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me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
These are my emotional support Pringles.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.