I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The days of good grammer has went
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
He-man has a Masters degree
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.