boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
They did not think through this water fountain
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.