a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.