I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Is this a threat?
Bobby pin
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine