Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.