Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
😆this is so true
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.