“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
#DesignFail
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise