I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Breaking news:
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
i did the math
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about