“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is