Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I bet
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M