[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.