You Might Also Like
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring