I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
the rocks need my help
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m aging like a fine banana
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]