“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday