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didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Chicken bread
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year