*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Cha-ching is my safe word
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots