BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
What the hell is going on?
Breaking news:
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
These 3D printers are insane!
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised