lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.