Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends