The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
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The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.