I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Many hands make light work
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
181.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.