Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.