Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.