My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
🤣🤣🤣
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Ironic
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.