Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.