Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer