windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.