genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Quadruple digit IQ
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.