It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops