if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello