Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
You Might Also Like
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Phones down.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Don’t touch that.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Oceanography is all about current events
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.