My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.