If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
*exercises sarcastically*
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I have questions??
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me when my alarm goes off
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.