I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect