It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.