why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?