Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Check out the legs on this baby
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.