Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Well, shit
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.