[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
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Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.