I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
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I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever