My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
British websites use biscuits.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?