“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
When someone says you are so lazy
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.