[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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love it when they get my name right
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Happy Thanksgiving
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk