Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Never ghost your hitman.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?