My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
There’s never enough good news
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.