Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.