Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.